i really want to sms your number because i mean, theres no other way i can contact you on the fly is there? or call you and hear your voice =P
or are you still trying to keep me away that way? will it be wil who picks up, will you even pick up my call? cause i mean if you are, it's kinda hard to even say we're friends.. then i'll stop contacting you again. i mean, i send things not knowing if you'll ever read them, and vice versa for the things you send me. not quite the relationship in anyway... more like talking to a wall, or singing out into the ocean expecting a duet. it's really hard to ignore you as you know, but it's cause i still have you very much in my heart.. i mean i dont know what drives you want for me.. im i just an object to you, a place of comfort? because thats all well and good and i am glad that i am.. but i'm a human being who wants and needs to be loved and cherished in return, not just for the things i do for you.. but because i know that you love me as a human, love me, hwang you yi. i'm not a machine that can keep giving.
unless you let me explicitly know what you're thinking, i cant know.. all i can assume is that you're doing the exact same thing as always,trying to pull me closer cause you miss me and you fear me disappearing from your life, but then never chosing me and happy to live a separate life with another person.. wanting me there as form of constant support behind you that you know you can depend upon. from your emails, i get the feeling you still dont love me.. you would rather just contact me and be friends.. and i cant live with just that.
so what do you really want from me? do you want to come back? do you just want me in your life
do you love me? is this just a romantic phase you're going through, are you troubled by your relationship with wil?
this is dumb but i guess i'll give you about another month's time for you to get your feelings straight again and reply me, and it's a good month! it'll be a month since you'll be experiencing wil overdose, holiday, christmas, newyear =) i'm sure it will help you put things in perspective and get you over any emotional turmoil you maybe experiencing now, and i am sure that wil is putting in his all to convince you as well.
obviously, i will not exactly be harbouring any high hopes. Merry christmas and a happy new year!
p.s. to wil if you're reading this, i am trying my best in my way to encourage cheryl to stay with you and come to terms with her feelings.. i truly believe that she loves you and she will stay with you and she just needs time to realise it. i believe sincerely that you are doing everything in your power to care for her and show her you love her, and i am thankful for it. i do not know if you see or think that, but that is what i am doing.. i know that i sometimes relapse and ask her to come back to me, and i'm sorry.. but right now i just really need to know what the heck i am to her, what she is thinking and what she is trying to do. i am receiving mixed signals,(or maybe i'm overthinking it)..i'm to find peace and stability in my own life and not leave this dangling and unresolved.. i'm sorry, really i am, trying to tell me to ignore cheryl is like telling me to stop breathing.. i can hold it for a while, but sooner or later i've got to take a breath or die.
yes i'll shrug it off
i have to
wow
its affecting me a lot more than i initially thought it would
OMG how stupid are you to try to start recording a song for her =(
cannot stay in tonight. dont want to be alone with my thoughts and imagination.
i'm exhausted.. let me crash and burn.. no dreams, no thoughts, no love
admit it you were looking for her hoping she was there tonight
she says she miss me and this weekend she will be with another man
=( the irony
the pain
the agony
And that is why every weekend, a little part of me dies
she tells me she misses me
but from my subject.. it's a sudden thing and asks to forget it.
why is it affecting me so much. does she miss me miss me? was it really a one off thing and now, 2 days later she doesnt anymore.. just a single spark of lighting in the dark of the night, ephemeral and fleeting and gone just when one looks for it again?
she already said she doesnt love me. she already said that she doesnt want to talk to me. should i reply her. of course i want to! i'm sure right now, the urge has passed for her and everything is back to normal..
whats the point of me chasing her again? the results have been made clear 2,3 months back.. she'll never leave him. since when has this ever worked? all that happens is i fall back in love with her and then she leaves me broken hearted again. do i want to risk whatever happines ihave now?
i have problems discerning reality from fiction. I dreamt exactly what she sent me and her sending me another email asking me if i was ignoring her and if i wanted to talk. Then i couldnt resist myself and i replied and lead on to an entire email conversation. Then i woke up. Then i showered and i felt like just the fact she emailed me was a dream.. did it really happen? did it make me happy for a second? or was it just my own wishful thinking that made it happen. I had to double check that that email is still sitting in my account with a star next to it.
Haha but i'm sure she will email me *sarcasm*
=( sigh
for her sake, for his sake and for their relationship, and also for myself, i shouldnt reply to her mail. right? right? cheryl, i miss you, i want to hold you, i want to dance with you and i want to be able to trust and love you. but i cant.
=(
it's too late for me to change things anymore. why fight the reality or the inevitable.
it was just ... a pleasant dream and hope. even just for a second
Aziraphale says (11:44 PM):
not because of youj
my family got me down today as well
huiling teo says (11:44 PM):
its ok
hugs
sorry i didn't know
Aziraphale says (11:44 PM):
it's ok
huiling teo says (11:45 PM):
hows ur paper?
hows u
i duno
Aziraphale says (11:45 PM):
i realised
that it affected me a lot more than
i though
Aziraphale says (11:46 PM):
t
huiling teo says (11:46 PM):
what affected u
Aziraphale says (11:46 PM):
divorces cancer
huiling teo says (11:46 PM):
wanna share baby?
Aziraphale says (11:47 PM):
just
my aunt settled for my uncle becuase she felt 1) good husband
2) right ime
time
no hot passionate brnign love
and then now divorce and with new man
leaving 3 kids behind
wtf
and my firned said
marriage
without passion
passion gone liao
fail
Aziraphale says (11:48 PM):
sure to fail
i dont know how passionate i can be about love
how much i can trust anyone
my ex left me with an excellent present
a destroyed heart
and therefore you will always suspect that you are the rebound
and feel like running
i'm tired too
Aziraphale says (11:49 PM):
but i dont know if i want to just settle for a marriage because it's tiome or convinient
i want to love her so much i'll sweep her away and like
have my heart burst from happiness
Aziraphale says (11:50 PM):
i dont want to make a decision
i want my heart to tell me it's the one
because thats where god tells me
and i think i reject god now
i reject many things
i reject myself, i reject my future
i'm fucked up now
Aziraphale says (11:51 PM):
for all the smiles and hiappiness and jokes and cheeky grins
i'm pissed off at the world in general and myself with no obvious reason or target
which makes me even more pissier
this is excactly who i am know
raw, bruised and actually angry
Aziraphale says (11:52 PM):
i hang back yes because i'm also afraid of losing you
i want you to have a really good impression of me because i also like you
that you'll see me totally offbalance and everything and leave me
i'm childish, i'm immature
Aziraphale says (11:53 PM):
there are tons of other peoplke who can survive in this world better than i am
i need to lean on people for help, i WANT to lean on people for help
or else i'm lost
i fear death
i dont want to die
i dont want to lose my parents, my grandparents nor my uncle
Aziraphale says (11:54 PM):
i dont like talking about wills and inheritance for it just ripps a bit more away from me
even as candid as my uncle takes it and jokes about it
it's fucked up for me
i'm sorry i'm like almost taking it out at you
even thought i'm not like angry or shouting at you
huiling teo says (11:54 PM):
no no
huiling teo says (11:55 PM):
call me? better. i can hear u.
Aziraphale says (11:56 PM):
later
i'm going to cool off in the shower
then i'll callyou
huiling teo says (11:56 PM):
yep ok
huiling teo says (11:57 PM):
sigh. hey
Aziraphale says (11:58 PM):
hm
huiling teo says (11:58 PM):
dont b sad
Aziraphale says (11:58 PM):
and i thought my family was stable, lovely
best family in the world
that true love surrounded me
huiling teo says (11:58 PM):
it still is
Aziraphale says (11:58 PM):
that divorces and bad stuff were just things in a drama serial
Aziraphale says (11:59 PM):
i know poepl live in families a lot worse of than mine
huiling teo says (11:59 PM):
no....
but everybody's trying
everybody's yearning
for the same thing
Aziraphale says (11:59 PM):
but to have that child innocence ripped away from me again it's horrendous
huiling teo says (12:00 AM):
it may not be what the world is but theres always room for hope
Aziraphale says (12:00 AM):
and now blogger doesnt work
i'm sorry i'm just pisse doff
huiling teo says (12:00 AM):
ok i duno what to do
huiling teo says (12:01 AM):
but tell me what i should do
if u know what i should
i dont believe in true love any more
i dont believe in forever
people are fickle , people change
i should just look out for my own selfish happiness
because everyone can betray you. for forever is just a word that is hollow and has no meaning
i love you are words that can be said with no meaning
your emotions can change over time and people you think indispensible can just become a memory you no longer think of and forget.
why cant i?
at least when i dreamt about her, i didnt even dream of her face, of her voice. i dream it was wil telling me via proxy.
slowly. i will forget her face, her voice, her laugh, her smile, the good times.
and i will be able to let her go.
and allow someone else to take her place
God, let me know love once again. let me believe in it.
wow dreamt she was getting married.
woke up with a wet pillow
well i guess it's something that will come to pass sooner or later. =P
i dont know you anymore.
come to think of it, since you started pushing me away last year,
i've only seen you like what? 5-6 times?
how many long conversations have we had? quite a few but not many compared to what we had.
you didnt let me in. and you built up so many memories without me. and you continue building them.
i'm hanging on to the image of you in my head, such that i feel like i see you everyday. but i dont. not you as you are now. just the past ghost of you. and that is why i can and still love you.
you're jealous of me? you broke up with me. i'm the one who had to live 4 years knowing that you're with another guy. imagine how i felt. i only went out with a girl for like a couple of weeks and you got jealous? imagine what i went through and yet i still stuck with you. even now when there is no excuse of there not having any girls around me. when you know that you have this silly backup. he calls this obsession. i call this giving you all of myself, my heart , my soul, my dedication my life. this was true love. and i loved you for your faults as well as your goodness. i love you with every fiber of my being. isnt that what you wanted?
i'm just being silly. i should just drop you out of my life and stop thinking about you. i know
i cant even go to orchard or drive the pie. or ever drive by your place without becoming depressed. i want to see you so badly. i was so tempted to turn up at your workplace and wait for you to go home, or to wait outside your house. hey at least i succeeded in not doing that. why? cause i'm afraid that1) i'll see you there with him 2) you'll get upset at me 3) you'll just ignore me and walk away 4) you'll get freaked out....
of course you're worth it, of course i dont think you're not good enough for me
love is blind. and i love you
i've forgiven you
i love you, i want to show you who i am
i have tried being with other girls, given them the chance
and i'm unhappy
i'll rather be with you cause i've never felt that way ever with anyone else
broken up and single
i'm waiting for you to come back to me
silly i know. you probably dont even check here anymore
cause your heart is finally set
well if you break up with him, come find me..
